Jake Starr's Monthly Harangue

Hi, since this is my first monthly column for La Bruta Rockzine, I should properly introduce myself. My name is Jake Starr and I'm the singer in the rock-n-roll band Adam West. I also am the president of Fandango Records based in Washington, D.C. Anybody that knows me knows that I love what I like and I hate what I mildly dislike, if that makes any sense. And when I hate something, I tend to go on and on about it ad nauseum. That is why I have named this column "Jake Starr's Monthly Harangue."

This month, I will go on and on about this so-called "New Wave" of rock-n-roll bands. Specifically, the Strokes, the White Stripes, and the Vines. I'm leaving the Hives out of this cuz they are a great band and deserve at least some of the hype they've received, though not all of it. And I'm sure they would be the first to agree with me... in private that is.

Let's start with the Strokes. This "band" was put together by some rich record executive who wanted to appeal to the burgeoning market of alternative kids in the USA. These kids that would go to the mall to buy their "punk" gear were highly susceptible to excellent record marketing chicanery and thus, the Strokes were born. They consist of 5 New York City �Eer-rich, private school brats who couldn't have played an instrument out of a wet paper bag. But with millions of $$$ behind them, they were taught to play their instruments and groomed to be appealing to the masses. Basically, they're the Monkees for this decade. At least the Monkees rocked and became a pretty cool psychedelic band in the late 1960s. The Strokes have no such chance. They simply suck in all areas. Their songs are plagiaristic shit stolen from every Television and Lou Reed song and their live shows are abysmal at best (currently evidenced as they open for the decrepit Rolling Stones every night.) And what's amazing and ironic is that despite the record company's hype, they have not sold anywhere near as many records as anticipated. Goodbye, Strokes... you suck so just fuck right off!

Now the White Stripes. This band makes me angry cuz they could be so much more than they are. Jack White used to play guitar in a good band called The Go. And he's proven he can write a catchy rock riff when he wants ("Fell in Love with a Girl"). So why do the White Stripes suck? Well, Meg is the worst recorded drummer in music's history is one reason. Another is that Jack has forsaken so much that's great about rock-n-roll and concentrated on boring "indie rock" as I call it. I can't describe it that well, but you know deep down inside when something doesn't rock and it's the White Stripes this time. Out of the new Detroit garage scene, the White Stripes are the least worthy of the attention and money they get. You want modern Detroit garage? Try listening to the Dirtbombs and the Detroit Cobras!

Ahhh, the worst for last. The Vines are simply unreal. I have to admit that I bought the hype at the beginning cuz I liked that "Get Free" song and dug the video. When they came to Washington DC, I thankfully got on the guest list and found a nice spot to witness what I thought would be a great rock-n-roll show. My disappointment had no bounds! It's amazing how out-of tune the singer's guitar was or how off-key he sang. Other than "Get Free," their songs are murky messes of mumbo-jumbo. I made it through 6 or 7 songs before my inner rock voice told me to get the fuck outta there pronto and go get drunk at another bar! Even though I didn't have to pay for the show, I felt ripped off. What was magical was a scant month later watching the horrid MTV Video Music Awards and seeing the "Battle of the Bands" between the Hives and the Vines. Like there's any competition at all! The Hives blasted through "Main Offender" and wiped the floor with every band even mentioned on that silly awards show. Having the Vines follow the Hives was poetic justice. It just clarified how shitty they really are.

So in conclusion, most music out there sucks shit. And most of what the record industry calls "rock-n-roll" is NOT rock-n-roll. Learn something and educate another.